Friday, October 28, 2011

The Forbidden Affy Tapples

To help alleviate my guilt over never doing Market Day or Innisbrook fundraising, here is visual proof that I willingly jumped right on board for the big Affy Tapple school sale:

They kind of look like angry little picketers, don't they?

Is it just me, or does anybody else find it ironic that most schools have strict anti-nut policies, yet this is the fundraiser they run with? 

Anyway, I placed my order as the boys all promised to do their duty and help dwindle down the supply.  Joey sat at the table for an entire hour licking his Affy Tapple like a sucker. Unfortunately, it is now apparent that it takes more than an hour for a 4 year-old to erode peanuts with his tongue. I promptly ate his drooly mess when he announced his "sucker" didn't work right.

Jack took one bite and told me he didn't like the "seeds" (the peanuts). I inhaled that one, too.  Daniel licked most of the carmel and nuts right off his and handed me the rest with a thoughtful, "I saved some for you, mom." Not a problem. Affy Tapple #3 was dispatched of immediately. Each Affy Tapple has 120 calories. I had already polished off three. In 15 minutes

I decided to swear off the rest of these carmel-laced temptations and dole them out to friends and family as quickly as possible. The apples obviously have some sort of ungodly hold on me. It was as though a conniving little serpent was whispering in my ear:

SSSS...they're just fruit.  Fruit is good for you.

SSSSS....they expire on November 7th.  You abhor waste, right?

SSSSS...apples make you smart so you can help Daniel with his math homework. Finally. 

My punishment is evident.  Cast out of single-digit clothes.  Cursed to roam the world without grace or favor.  Forever subordinate to those who can control their Affy Tapple desire.

Reason #63 why I hate school fundraisers.


  1. I think they are picketing, "Occupy the Walls of my Teeth!!!"

  2. I always pass on school fundraisers. I do all kinds of other stuff but I draw the line at selling to people I know. However...those look delicious and I bet the people I know would REALLY want to buy those.

  3. You rock. If your wrote a blog called hyperbole and a half and your name was Allie Brosh, you would have 2389 comments* on your blog about this one particular fabuawesome post (*conservative estimate, could be quadruple this actually). But, since your name is Marianne the Unfamous (I'll bet you have a heck of a time at the DMV and jury duty with a middle name that is not capitalized, and, let's face it-- somewhat confusing), you are destined to get my comment (3rd in queue) instead. Tell you what. I will just hit "enter", like, 2386 more times. You're welcome (I'm a giver like that).


  4. You are trapped in a purgatory of Affy Tapples.

    That said, this is the most awesome-looking fundraiser item I've ever seen. Oh Affy Tapples, where were you when I was in school, selling lame things like cookie dough and frozen pizzas?

  5. esbboston - I like the cause.

    Ali - Delicious is right. I'm down to my last bunch (ha got to love apple humor).

    MOV - You are SO a giver. Thank you. And you have no idea how I've suffered because of my lack of legitimate middle name. It's really quite sad.

    Haley - now why did you have to go and say cookie dough? My inner guppy attacks....

  6. In October, everything in my house is sticky for this exact reason.

    In November, every nook and cranny is filled with candy wrappers.

    When does candy cane season start? Egads!



  7. They are 240 calories per affy tapple. The package is misleading, it says 120 calories per serving but a serving is 1/2 of the affy tapple.

  8. Yes, TOTALLY deceptive. Which kid gets the stick ???