Saturday, January 7, 2012

Bad Luck Lenny

My husband has this friend.  Let's call him Lenny.  On the day of Lenny's birth, I am fairly certain his guardian angel was drunk because Lenny has a near flawless record of cosmic misfortune and happenstance.  A quick primer:
  • A few years ago, Lenny thought dipping his toe into the real estate market might shore up his retirement funds.  Exactly 3 days after his closings, the real estate bubble burst thereby ensuring Lenny will be working well into his 90's.
  • When Lenny and his wife went on a trip with us, Joe and I got a lovely room overlooking the Alamo with a couple of courtesy water bottles.  Lenny got a first floor room overlooking a brick wall with damp, smelly floors and courtesy mold. 
  • Lenny decided to update his kitchen a couple years back and purchased several big-ticket appliances. Because they were not ready to be installed, he put off opening the boxes.  When he did open them, several were damaged and the store refused to exchange them because of the delay in reporting.
I can't help but laugh at Lenny's Facebook postings.  Over and over, the universe mocks him.  Real posts:
  • Furnace went out at 3 a.m this morning... Burned up blower motor (it was sounding bad all night)... Trouble shot it (touched the very hot motor that wasn't working).. $333 later and an hour to remove the old, replace with the new, we have heat again...
  • ‎113th and Harlem right was through the roof when I got to 114th to get a hair cut!
  • So, my Fantasy Football team had their best week yet this past weekend... NOTE: I was knocked out of the playoffs last week!!! This is how my whole season has gone.. W.T.F...I didn't even set my lineup ( 2 guys got 0 points, injured) still scored 200........ Not bitter or anything
  • First, Evergreen Park High School (Lenny's alma mater) had the UNABOMBER. Now, we also have "Lobster Squatter!"  Guy from class of 1978 breaks into White Sox G.M. Kenny Williams home and eats his food.
I actually felt relieved for Lenny when he finally had something good to post:

Found my snow blower at Sears, $100 less than 2 days ago...Stores are keeping 3 in stock, and open at 4 a.m tonight..Is it really worth getting up that early...Note: This is my first snow blower ever, really excited...Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!

Lenny did get that snowblower, and of course it has not snowed a lick all season long.  Hardly a flake.  It's January in Chicago and all the kids are begging to go sledding and we got nada.

So thank you, Lenny.  Thank you for saving all those who might have perished while shoveling heavy snow from their driveways.  Thank you for not making me late for carpool because I didn't allow enough time to scrape ice off the minivan.  Thank you for saving us hundreds of dollars in salt bags.   Had you not purchased that snowblower, why just imagine the misfortune to us all.

I am so grateful for all the bad luck you apparently absorb.  I sincerely hope the year improves for you.  But if it doesn't, could you please just not come anywhere near us?

Much obliged.


  1. hahahaha, this is FABULOUS!! maybe we should persuade Lenny to go buy flood insurance, insuring the whole south side will never flood again!!!

  2. You should have a 'Lenny alert' in your area - like a fog warning, so that when he goes out people know to stay indoors...

  3. Lenny's sad wifeJanuary 7, 2012 at 11:31 PM

    This "Lenny" guy sounds like a real loser! LOL!
    He forgot to post that he also got a flat tire on New Year's Eve,(should have been in and out of the tire place in 45 minutes, took 3 hours), that we had the cable guy out the other day to finally install our new hd box, and of course, the guy didn't have it with him, nor could he fix all of the converter boxes in the house that weren't working, and that he also went 0 for 3 betting today! Shall I go on?????
    I used to call him "Mush" from the movie, "A Bronx Tale", but I'm thinking that "Lenny" might just stick!

  4. Just want to say I love your blog. I just read thru a bunch of your posts and you are hysterical. You have a new follower. :)

  5. Kristi - I think we should! Now that I'm looking at things a little differently, Lenny is actually Lucky for the rest of us!

    Julie - Can we have colors, too? Like, "today is a "Lenny Orange Alert?" Awesome.

    Lenny's Sad Wife - a FLAT on New Year's Eve??? Oh Lordy. Maybe we ought to start giving him Lucky Charms cereal in the morning? It can't hurt, right?

    Carolyn - Thank you for reading! I LOVE new followers! I'd offer you a new member gift if I had any, so instead I'll just think really happy thoughts for you!