The One Where My Head Explodes

I really hate it when my head explodes. It leaves a terrible mess. Thankfully, my head doesn’t explode too often. Instead of getting angry about all the stupid and aggravating things in life, I usually look for the punch-line. It keeps me from becoming a recluse and moving to a remote cabin in Montana.

Sadly, my head did in fact explode last week. It was disastrous. There was brain matter all over the place. I had to call in a HAZMAT team. And I'm quite sure I won't be able to remove all the stains from my beautiful poo-colored carpet without professional help.

What started it all? It was a simple phone call from my dad:

"Hey Marianne. Don’t forget to get your $25 gift card from Walgreens when you attend parent-teacher conferences this month.”

“What are you talking about, old man? Go take your St. John’s Wort pills and call me back later.”

“$25 gift cards! Walgreens and the Chicago Public Schools are giving them to parents who simply SHOW UP on report card day. I just read about it in The Tribune. Go on your computer and see if the boys’ schools made the list.”

“What list?”

“I guess they only picked 70 schools as part of the pilot program. Maybe they’ll start paying you guys to wash your kids’ clothes next? HA HA. You’ll be RICH. And what about pouring cereal each morning? That should earn you a ten-spot for sure. HA HA HA.”

Convinced my father was experiencing the early stages of dementia, I went and looked up the story online with my husband. It was all true. In an effort to engage disinterested individuals in their children’s education, CPS had partnered with Walgreens to essentially bribe parents. To do their job.  

And that's when my head exploded.  

As I ran around the kitchen collecting the key components of my brain (the part that remembers where my minivan keys are), I struggled to stay calm. The level of absurdity in this plan was so high that I couldn’t figure out why I wasn't yet laughing. The comedic potential was infinite! And yet I had nothing. Even Joe looked surprised.

I wondered aloud how in the world I would put my head back together again.

“Don’t worry, honey,” comforted Joe. “If one of the boys’ schools participates in the program, we can buy like SIX bottles of SUPER GLUE from Walgreens with that gift card. We’ll have you good as new.  Like Humpty Dumpty. HA HA HA."

That’s when I gave the man a real piece of my mind.

It hit him in the nose.

And from now on, I’m screening all calls from my dad.

I'm one mad chick.  The one in the middle.  With bad hair.