Friday, November 9, 2012

The One Where My Head Explodes


I really hate it when my head explodes. It leaves a terrible mess. Thankfully, my head doesn’t explode too often. Instead of getting angry about all the stupid and aggravating things in life, I usually look for the punch-line. It keeps me from becoming a recluse and moving to a remote cabin in Montana.

Sadly, my head did in fact explode last week. It was disastrous. There was brain matter all over the place. I had to call in a HAZMAT team. And I'm quite sure I won't be able to remove all the stains from my beautiful poo-colored carpet without professional help.

What started it all? It was a simple phone call from my dad:

"Hey Marianne. Don’t forget to get your $25 gift card from Walgreens when you attend parent-teacher conferences this month.”

“What are you talking about, old man? Go take your St. John’s Wort pills and call me back later.”

“$25 gift cards! Walgreens and the Chicago Public Schools are giving them to parents who simply SHOW UP on report card day. I just read about it in The Tribune. Go on your computer and see if the boys’ schools made the list.”

“What list?”

“I guess they only picked 70 schools as part of the pilot program. Maybe they’ll start paying you guys to wash your kids’ clothes next? HA HA. You’ll be RICH. And what about pouring cereal each morning? That should earn you a ten-spot for sure. HA HA HA.”
Convinced my father was experiencing the early stages of dementia, I went and looked up the story online with my husband. It was all true. In an effort to engage disinterested individuals in their children’s education, CPS had partnered with Walgreens to essentially bribe parents. To do their job.  

And that's when my head exploded.  

As I ran around the kitchen collecting the key components of my brain (the part that remembers where my minivan keys are), I struggled to stay calm. The level of absurdity in this plan was so high that I couldn’t figure out why I wasn't yet laughing. The comedic potential was infinite! And yet I had nothing. Even Joe looked surprised.

I wondered aloud how in the world I would put my head back together again.

“Don’t worry, honey,” comforted Joe. “If one of the boys’ schools participates in the program, we can buy like SIX bottles of SUPER GLUE from Walgreens with that gift card. We’ll have you good as new.  Like Humpty Dumpty. HA HA HA."

That’s when I gave the man a real piece of my mind.

It hit him in the nose.

And from now on, I’m screening all calls from my dad.

I'm one mad chick.  The one in the middle.  With bad hair.


31 comments:

  1. Wow! I hadn't heard about that. That is beyond words for me... Seriously?! What will they think of next?! Wow. Just wow.

    But I am curious now, where is this list you speak of?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oops. I replied in wrong spot.

      See link on CPS website:

      http://www.cps.edu/News/Press_releases/Pages/10_31_2012_PR2.aspx

      Delete
  2. That is seriously messed up. Don't they know that if a parent doesn't care, a $25 gift card MIGHT get them there but it won't get them to care. That's the most ridiculous misuse of funds I've ever heard.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Great point, Judy! I was at my son's orchestra concert a couple weeks ago and there was a 15 year-old sitting behind me. We asked if he was waiting for a parent. No, he was there with his brother. I was glad to know the little brother had someone there, but wondered why it wasn't mom or dad.

      Delete
    2. The sad part is, all this stuff is making me a look like Mother of the Year. The bar is being lowered in the good parenting arena, and guess who suffers?

      Delete
  3. Hi, Kath - here's the link to listed schools on CPS' website:
    http://www.cps.edu/News/Press_releases/Pages/10_31_2012_PR2.aspx

    As of today's date, they list the schools on the release.

    ReplyDelete
  4. That's insane. Just freaking nuts. Why would you need to be bribed to meet this person who spends more time with your child than you do? It's always surprised me to hear people complain about parent/teacher night. Sure it's inconvenient, but I am always dying to hear what actually goes on in that place - lord knows my daughter isn't forthcoming. And I totally agree with Judy; good point.

    As a side note, I wonder how many CPS teachers are going to get Walgreen's gift cards with their Holiday card?

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    Replies
    1. Ha. I wouldn't hold your breath as far as CPS teachers getting the gift cards. Sad world.

      Delete
  5. I hope the parents that do indulge will hand over the gift cards to the teachers...it's the only right thing to do. They aren't paid enough and they never have the supplies they need. I think it would very appreciated.

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    Replies
    1. Teachers deserve more than that! Yet I wouldn't be banking on disinterested parents making a show of selfishlessness any time soon.

      Delete
  6. I cannot believe it. I will say, though, that there are parents I can't "find." What happened to the good ol' days when we sicced the school social worker on them? Oh, wait. They don't have school social workers anymore. No money. But they have money for Walgreens cards?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Apparently, Walgreens is footing the bill. I'm boycotting. CVS it is!

      Delete
  7. I commented, but didn't get the usual message...hmmm...don't want to be redundant so I will wait it out...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No comment! Try again! I can't wait to hear what you have to say on this one!

      Delete
  8. shocking, the school my kids go to isn't on the list! Is there a limit to how many cards they get? I mean, if you have 6 kids in cps schools, will they get $150?? that will buy a whole bunch of smokes & booze!!! woo hoo
    I love the idea of them donating them back to their teachers, although that will never happen.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I would've made out big time on this program! 3 kids x $25 = $75!!

      Too many damned involved parents at my schools. Perhaps I need to have a talk with them?

      Delete
  9. So they're going to pay you $25 for doing something you were going to do anyway ... SCORE!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nope. None of my boys' schools are on the list. Apparently only the bad parents are being rewarded.

      Delete
  10. I'm in shock and a bit speechless (that's a first). Wow. I really can't believe that they will offer such a bribe (maybe incentive??) to get parents to attend parent/teacher conferences. Wow. It is sad that parents wouldn't want to just automatically go to them (I attended every single one even though I knew 99.9% of the time it was not going to be a good conference). Just sad some of the parents who are raising kids these days :(

    betty

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    1. I'm with you, Betty. Like I said earlier, I'm not exactly a perfect mom, but I'm looking STELLAR in this kind of environment. Sad, sad stuff.

      Delete
  11. Marianne you know what I do for a living. So you know how much I love society and how committed I am to assisting them in EVERY thing they do, i.e., telling Johnny to stop pummeling his sister over the playstation controller;explaining to them that judges frown on people driving on suspended licenses and yes, you really do need car insurance, it's really not a suggestion;my favorite is a parent pointing at me while with their child telling them I will get them if they're bad....this happens more often than not. Anyhew, I thought I'd continue to assist the targeted parents who have to be bribed to be involved in their cute as a button children's education. Since they're probably to busy to see what their newly awarded gift card will buy, I searched the Internet for them. Maybe we can additionally reward them with free rides to the schools to attend the conferences and clean their homes while they're away too.
    3 Suave Shampoos
    · 3 Suave Conditioners
    · 2 Colgate Advanced Toothpaste
    · 2 Reach Toothbrush
    · 1 Bayer Aspirin
    · 5 Mitchum Deodorants
    · 4 Energy Candies
    · 1 Oral-B Pro-Health Toothbrush
    · 4 Nabisco Cookies
    · 2 EOS Ultra Shave Cream
    · 2 Desitin
    · 1 U by Kotex Tampons
    · 1 Listerine Ultra Clean Mouthwash
    · 2 EOS Lip Balm
    · 2 Dentek Floss Piks
    · 1 Pencil Sharpener
    · 2 Accu-Check Nano Blood Glucose Monitor
    · 3 All Laundry Detergent
    · 1 2 Pocket Folder
    · 1 Carmex Healing Cream
    · 1 Walgreens Tampons
    · 2 Bic Twin Shavers
    · 1 Lanacane w/ Aloe Spray
    · 1 Lipton Tea
    · 1 Renew Life Day Diet Start
    · 1 Fishing Pole Clearance item

    So there....I'm hoping the leaders of our great city offer me a gift card for cutting my grass or shoveling my snow. I mean the possibilities are endless. In fact I think you'd be doing a service to your city as well if you asked your followers what task(s) should be added to this one to get a gift card.

    MBF

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Love the list!

      Ok, I'll admit it. I'm one of those moms who points to the police and tells the kids that if they ever lie, cheat, steal or do anything to embarrass the family name, you will take them to jail.

      So...bad idea?

      Delete
  12. Wait. Wait. Hold on a sec. You're just now going to start screening Dad's calls?

    XOXO

    Megan

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    Replies
    1. You could've helped me out on that YEARS ago!

      Delete
  13. How much crazier can it get?? That is nuts!

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  14. Hmmmmp! I'm getting blamed for all this. I'm late with my defense because my computer stop taking quarters thereby forcing me to buy a new computer without the Walgreen gift card. Darn!
    Dad

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    Replies
    1. Stupid computers.

      You're not thinking sabatoge are you?

      heh heh heh

      Delete
  15. 6 bottles of glue is always better than none!

    ReplyDelete
  16. Hey, my kids schools didn't offer up the $25 gift cards ... damn those hyper involved PTA and "Friends of" parents. I'm thinking that the principal would like to give them the $25 gift cards to stay away from the school and his office ...

    :)

    Linda

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  17. Got an A+ plus...an A+ on a FREE GIFT CARD! Leave the kids at the store and bring home that heart-shaped box of chocolate.

    ReplyDelete