Where Have All the Good Jeans Gone?

I've never hidden the fact that I'm a big Eddie Bauer fan.  Just about every item they carry  comes in a tall.  I'd wear raccoon britches if they came in a tall. 

As with everything else, I only buy from Eddie Bauer at the end of the season when I can snag stuff for 75% off.  These flip-flops?  They were like $2.99 last December.

I know, I know.  Why I was never tapped as a foot model is beyond me.  Perhaps it had something to do with the cankles?

I headed over there the other day to sample their new, much-hyped jeans.  I planned to make a list of what I liked so I could buy it when it was eventually clearanced.

But the jeans?  They felt like spandex.  They showed every lump I had. 

I asked the saleslady for some other jeans to try on.  Regular ones.  Without all the stretch.  That's when she dropped the bomb:

"All of our jeans now have spandex in them.  Aren't they GREAT?"

No.  No.  No.

Spandex is only "great" if you are a size 2 and you want people to notice your calf muscles through your pants.

Spandex is NOT great for 40 year-old women who eat Ding Dongs.

As my best friend Jeanette and I checked out a few other stores, we noticed the Spandex-as-Jeans trend had also taken hold elsewhere. Every store had jeans that contained a certain percentage of that most unforgiving (and dare I say, demonic?) of fabrics.  

Annoyed, I posted a comment about my anti-spandex stance on the Eddie Bauer website.  I asked that they bring back a few spandex-free choices.  I demanded they remember us fat chicks who basically made them.

And wouldn't you know?

Eddie Bauer called back.  They left a message.  They wanted to discuss my feelings.

So I returned the call.  It pretty much went like this:

Eddie Bauer Lady:  We really want you to be happy about our new jeans.  We're very excited about them.

Marianne:  Yeah.  But I like your old jeans.

Eddie Bauer Lady:  But our new jeans are so great!

Marianne.  Nah.  They make me look fat ("fatter" if I was being 100% honest).

Eddie Bauer Lady: So what can we do to help you understand how great our new jeans are?

Marianne:  Hire me a personal trainer?

Eddie Bauer Lady:

Marianne:  Pay for liposuction?

Eddie Bauer Lady:

Marianne:  Oh, for Pete's sake.  I just want some regular old-fashioned thick jeans without spandex.  Could you just bring the old ones back?

Eddie Bauer Lady:  So do you think you might like our trouser pants?  They only have 2% spandex.  They're really really great!

I gotta give them credit for trying.