Sunday, April 14, 2013

Marianne's How-To Guide for Surviving Disney World

I carefully watched the masses as we boarded the Monorail at Disney World last week. The parents were all full of naive optimism, firmly believing they were about to deliver the Promised Land to their cherished children. This was to be a magical day where nobody cried, peed, or threw up before noon. 

After all, this was the Disney guarantee, no? It was the reason you forked over one-third of your total vacation expenditure for a day at a freakin' theme park. One that involves talking dogs, narcissistic ducks, and the whole "I'm-a-princess-please-save-me" archetype that flies in the face of modern feminism. 

Regardless, most of the kids were giddy, operating under the false assumption that they would personally meet Cinderella and get a grand tour of the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse by 10 am.

Then there was me. I knew the truth. The only sign posted above Disney's gates should read:

Abandon hope, all ye who enter here.

Why Dante did not include the Magic Kingdom as one of his circles of hell is beyond me. But it always makes me sad as I watch the meltdowns, tantrums, and disappointed parents grasping at the final straws of "But this was all supposed to be perfect!"

Topping off the cake of misery is the fact that there is NO LIQUOR ANYWHERE. The Magic Kingdom is a dry county. You call that the happiest place in the world?? I call that bullsh*t.

Message to Disney Marketing Execs:  LET MY PEOPLE GO!

My family operates as a pack of like-minded panthers at Disney World. We have done this before. First up? Pay the exorbitant fee for the double rental stroller. If you want to go the distance, the troops must not fade early. Some will try to bring their own strollers, but Disney has graciously positioned train tracks all over the place so that it is nearly impossible to avoid getting stuck in them.The rental strollers allow you to glide effortlessly over the tracks thereby saving time and a host of foul language that will only get you evicted off Disney grounds. 

You may be thinking "My kid is 12, no stroller required!"  I don't care.  Stuff 'em in.  Trust me.

The next mistake newbies make is to try to get on all the marquis rides immediately: Space Mountain, Splash Mountain, Pirates of the Caribbean.  There is nothing worse than waiting in line for three hours only to have a kid announce he has to pee within moments of it finally being your turn.     

It will happen.  Mark. My. Word.

No, no, no, loyal readers.  You don't hit the popular rides early! You pace yourself. You are a panther,sleek and smart.  Let the crowds get worn down from the endless standing and whining. Your 10 am - 4 pm list should include:

The Hall of Presidents
Monsters Inc. Laugh Floor
People Mover
It's a Small World (don't be deceived by the long lines, it moves fast)

Be sure to visit any of the dining areas where you can request free water.  It's critical to keep the troops hydrated as you are getting closer and closer to sweet victory.

During our visit last week, I suddenly looked up at the overcast skies and began to feel tremendous hope and excitement.  A storm was brewing. 

Space Mountain would be ours.

Sure enough, a loud clap of thunder crashed down around us, immediately freaking out the entire "5 & Under" set.  So-long, preschoolers! 

Within a few hours, we were in the middle of a torrential downpour with people forking over $50 per family for a handful of cheap plastic raincoats. 

$10 plastic bags?  We don't need no stinkin' $10 bags!
The Walsh gang strategically positioned itself at the covered shooting gallery where the guns weren't operating properly. Dan, Jack, and Joe got a full two hour's worth of free Wild West play courtesy of the Disney Corporation. Cha-ching! 

When I saw that the storm had finally passed, I peered out. The place was practically empty.

The average voice of reason might say:

Marianne.  It's 9 pm at night.  The kids are tired.  It's damp.  Why don't you think about going home?

But the Walsh family knows better.  The park is open until 1 am.  It was time to give the kids a little candy and coffee for the final stretch.  Because now?  We OWNED the place.

"Wake up, boys, we're there!"
The last four hours saw us dashing around in zero-wait lines hitting The Haunted Mansion, Space Mountain, Splash Mountain, the Race Cars, Peter Pan, and Pirates of the Caribbean.  It was awesome.

At 12:45 am, the boys finally started to fade:

Well, actually it was just Jack.  Danny & Joey had espressos.
At 1:15 am, I jokingly asked my husband if he thought we'd be able to find our minivan:

Hmmm....now which aisle did we park in again? 

So remember, moms and dads...you think things will be like this:

 
And they're actually more like this:

Danny:  "Why do I have to go all the way through these gaits and chains when NOBODY IS EVEN HERE???  Why, God, whyyyyyy?"

Managing expectations throughout the blogosphere is why I am here.  You can thank me by sending your midnight vacation pictures to mostlymarianne@gmail.com.  Ones that look sort of like this:

Jack:  "How am I even related to that lady?  I should be in bed."
Joey:  "I want COOKIES."

Up Next:  What happens when the rest of your beach vacation gets rained-out.

48 comments:

  1. I firmly believe that there are "Disney People" and "Non-Disney People." My family falls into the latter category. Sounds like maybe you are one of my people.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am definitely not a Disney person, and I'm hoping next year we can just stick with the beach! Thanks for visiting, Shannon!

      Delete
  2. This post is brilliant! We took a family "vacation" to Disneyland last summer. We have 5 kids ranging in age from teens to toddlers. We were in the park for 3 days and the first 2 days were hell on earth. The younger kids didn't want to be there and just wanted to swim at the hotel. The 3rd and final day they finally started to enjoy themselves and then threw a fit when it was time to leave because they didn't get to do everything they wanted to do…you know, when they were wasting time throwing fits over wanting to go to the hotel to swim!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh I feel your pain, Peanutlayne. And there should be a special award for anyone who takes 5 kids spanning that age bracket to Disney. Right to heaven goeth you!

      Delete
  3. Absolutely fan-freaking-tastic!
    This whole posts had me laughing like a hyena on acid and the comments under the pictures, (those poor boys) were hilarious.

    I hear people are now buying a copy of this post, via the black market, under the description, 'The Truth about Disneyland. A Mother's Tale'.

    Loved it! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You flatter me, Lily, but I will so take it! Thank you & how many years of therapy do you think this visit will tack on? 5? 6?

      Delete
  4. You can push me in a stroller any day of the week chica.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Disney is open until 1 AM? Why does anyone even GO in the daytime? Hubs and I will have a distinct advantage now, what with our weird sleep patterns and all.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Check ahead as the park is only open this late during peak weeks (we were there during Spring Break) or when their numbers exceed a certain amount. I have often suggested to Joe that we don't even bother going until 7 pm, but the guy feels for $100/pop, we are going to squeeze as much "fun" possible out of our tickets. Crazy man.

      Delete
  6. I love you-best post ever-you are a genius!!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Hysterical...my brilliant idea was going to the park the day before and check out the crowds. Never ever ask a travel agent or park rep. questions....ask the parking lot attendant...they know all the secrets. My parking lot guy gave us information only known to undercover CIA spies which is...."get to the park early when it opens". Simply brilliant...so as we're up at 4am, begging our 25 yr. old Mouseketeer to get out of the shower....we arrived and yes we had first dibs on all the big rides. The only thing is it's still 39 degrees at that time of morning.

    Middle Age Musing

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, MAM. You should have stuffed that 25 year old Mouseketeer right in the rental stroller with a blankie.

      Delete
  8. Oh my gosh, your kids are so stinkin cute! Even exhausted and wrung out :) That is awesome that you kept them up till all hours so you could go on the big rides. One night being up late won't kill them, and they will remember that trip for the rest of their lives. Love it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Can I name you as a character reference once the Dept. of Child Services comes knockin' at my door for child abuse ("You kept them up HOW long...and you gave them COFFEE???"). Thanks, Kianwi!

      Delete
  9. Loved this post. Everything you said is true!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Little Joe's perpetual smile in each photo he appears is remarkable. You would think he orchrastrated the thunderstorms and planned late hours for the excitement of it all. The kid has Grit.
    SF

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Exhaustion, rain, and over-stimulation do NOTHING to slow that kid down. I wanna be Joey.

      Delete
  11. Expectation management is a noble calling if you ask me. We could never afford to take ours to Disney World when they were young--you've made me kind of glad of that. I went when I was seven--chipped my tooth on Space Mountain AFTER waiting in line for three hours. Yay. ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh noooooo! That's horrible! Poor you, poor tooth. Disney is definitely a venue I could've skipped, but my husband pushed it hard this year. I'm guessing we won't be doing it again. Until grandchildren, of course, but they'd better be ESPRESSO drinkers.

      Delete
  12. Hubby and I went to Disney on our first anniversary in 2001 (second marriage for me and third for him). His idea for romance. He got me on a plane thing and then laughed from below while I was terrified.

    Then we also went several years ago while he had energy. I have the pictures to prove it, because his memories are fading. I love these adventures and even more your telling of yours.

    By the way, Marianne, we have connections and got in for free to Disney and other theme parks.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Disney? Romantic? I gotta find out what your hubby was smoking. But I'm intrigued by the free thing - I want your connections, you lucky girl!

      Delete
  13. You make it sound so dreamy.
    I saw this LTYM video recently and I think you might enjoy it.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RIwj5r5E2V4&list=PL87772FBA282ECFF1&index=4w

    With all these Disney tips,if I ever get my kids there, we'll know exactly what to do.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hilarious! And EARPLUGS! Why didn't I think of that?? Thanks for sharing, Jewels!

      Delete
  14. totally awesome post... and true!
    Last time we were there (Nolan was 2, Xander 5), Steve and I were bickering so much that if there was a divorce lawyer in Disney's Main Street, we may not be married today. Steve was also the one who wanted to stay and watch all the fireworks and late night shows... with our 2 year old screaming and begging to just go to bed. Happiest place on Earth my $ss!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, I'm with you, Rada! The first time we went, Joe was dashing ahead to investigate rides and times, and I was all "WE ARE ALL OVER HERE AND SOMEONE JUST PEED THEMSELF." I feel your pain.

      Delete
  15. They do sell alcohol in the new Fantasyland.

    ReplyDelete
  16. This is actually a great guide as well as entertaining, nice job lady!

    ReplyDelete
  17. Oh my gosh! You would have had to leave my sorry whimpering butt with Cinderella...both of us home by midnight. We underachievers went in early October when it just plain old wasn't very crowded. You are hilarious!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Andrea! October, huh? (jotting notes, furiously).

      Delete
  18. WHERE WERE YOU 3 WEEKS AGO??? We just took our first trip to Disney, and realized all of this crap about halfway through, where I had to reorganize and pull out military planning mom. Oh, and it poured the morning of the last day!! Score.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOVED your blogs about your trip. Thanks for visiting!

      Delete
  19. OH GOD!! I feel for you! My in laws live in Florida, so we did the whole Florida family vacay two summers ago.
    Florida in June! HOT!! Orlando for 5 days, then St. Augustine, then Jacksonville.
    We lasted 2 hours at Disney. That was it! Kids were begging to go back to the Air Conditioned resort.
    Thank God the Disney tickets were free ( our friend is a Chef at one of the restaurants)
    Oh, tip for next time.......Epcot Center has Alcohol. Ohhhhhh yes! I bought a $30 Margarita!(exaggeration, but close in price)They even have 'Drink around the World' at Epcot!
    The picture of your lonely van was PRICELESS!!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Whatdidyousay? Alcohol? Epcot?? ON IT.

      And 2 hours, really JR? Amateur.

      Delete
    2. Oh Marianne, if I had only known that you were planning a trip to Disney. I've been drinking my way around the world at Epcot for years! Overpriced strollers? No way - worth their weight in gold if you have little ones. I'll have some tips to share the next time we cross paths.

      Delete
  20. Oh my gosh, you SOOO captured this! We live an hour from Orlando, FL...have been a few times to Disney in our 22 years here. I hate it! What a nightmare. I think it's great you had rain, and everyone left. Perfect! I laughed out loud when I saw your van in the lost. What a hoot! Disney should use that for an ad: Come at midnight, in the rain. You'll have the best time ever. And then eat baloney for two months. Wonderful post!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think from now on, we'll do just that. Wait for a rainy day and arrive maybe around 8 pm. And I sorta love baloney anyway.

      Delete
  21. I had no idea the park was open until 1am! I would have booked it with the pre-school crowd. You are my hero.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Diane! If you go, plan early evening naps at the hotel and you'll be staying up 'til 1 am with the professionals!

      Delete
  22. We have never been to Disney World, and you have confirmed my worst fears. Impressed with your family's fortitude, though!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Mamarific! Coffee helps. And 5 hour Energy.

      Delete
  23. I told my husband I wanted a relaxing vacation from being burned out at work and now we are headed to Disney for a week with our 3 kids. Thanks for the tips! Hopefully we'll all survive. Next time I'll be planning the vacation!

    ReplyDelete
  24. Best Disney post ever! We are going in July even though we have visited enough to know that it will be hot as Hades then. We plan to hit the park as soon as it opens, go back to the room for a swim/nap, and then close it down at night. I'm hoping for lots of rain - I don't mind being wet!

    ReplyDelete
  25. Thank you for another great article. Where else could anyone get that kind of information in such a perfect way of writing? I have a presentation next week, and I am on the look for such information.

    Walt Disney World Resort in Florida

    ReplyDelete