Saturday, October 29, 2011

WANTED: Affy Tapple Delivery Person for Questioning

Alright. Who is it?

After a long day out and about, the family and I returned home to find a plastic bag hanging on our front door. Atheist-Friend does this sort of thing pretty regularly when when she buys me Berry Berry Kix cereal from Costco. They don't carry Berry Berry Kix at my Dominick's and Joey loves the stuff. So I'm accustomed to finding hanging plastic bags of cereal on my door.

For anyone who thinks Chicago is a crime-ridden urban nightmare where you just don't leave unattended breakfast options out in the open, think again.  The Beverly neighborhood is different.  With several cops living within striking distance and even more observant neighbor-moms ready to pounce, I've never had a single box of Kix go missing. 

As I walked up our front steps, I realized it wasn't cereal.  It was something else. Something unholy. Something only a serpent would leave.

Affy Tapples. WITHOUT nuts.

More damn picketers.

It was as though somebody had been reading my blog. As though somebody knew that Jack had refused to eat his Affy Tapple because he doesn't like the "seeds" (peanuts).   As though somebody was taunting me...

I've got my suspicions.  We've obviously got a Jack-sympathizer on our hands.  Somebody who feels bad for the kid whose mom didn't order him a single nut-free apple. 

I will get to the bottom of this.  If it's the last thing I do.  As God as my witness.

It's mostly because I really need to write a thank-you note and set a good example for the boys. It's a compulsion.  I will start feeling nauseous if I can't.

So fess up before I put the FBI on the case.  I've got them on speed dial, you know.


  1. I have the local police on speed dial 5 - right there in the middle of my phone. Its not 911, but their switchboard to help out with unsafe things. We have plenty! The most recent thing was an eighteen wheeler leaking fuel in a steady stream as it was going down the highway, scary!

  2. you can count me out. I don't have time or care to do nice things for others. Besides, Affy Tapples never leave my chubby little fingers, they go right to my big mouth. Good luck on your hunt. Missy

  3. esbboston - holy crap. That's scary!

    Anonymous - Prove it. Where's your alibi? Who can corroborate?

    Anonymous Missy - You're off the suspect list. Go in peace.