Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Joey and the Pizza Shush

Anytime Joe tries to convince me that cereal isn't a valid dinner option, I argue that I've been eating it as such for most of my adult life.  I've also got the lowest cholesterol my doctor has ever seen in an adult. 

Cheerios works, people. 

Still, when Joe sees a restaurant on one of those foodie television shows, I usually try to be a good sport.  But some of these places are in really horrible neighborhoods.  I write this not as a former suburbanite prone to over-reacting.  This is a 15-year city vet who knows a corner drug deal when she sees one. 

So last weekend, we again went in search of some kind of magic pizza puff about which great things have been written.  The neighborhood was one of the worst I'd ever seen.  Dirty.  Lots of corner activity.  Graffiti everywhere.  Not another minivan anywhere in site. 

As the five of us piled out, I was relieved to spot a police officer through the window eating a 6-pound pizza puff.  This told me two things:  the food was going to be great and we probably weren't going to die.

When we took our seats, I couldn't help but notice a very large woman eating her dinner.  My husband (who is in the business of moving very large people as a paramedic) later estimated her weight at about 700 pounds.  I'm not one to judge.  Left to my own devices, I could easily become a 700 pound pizza puff devotee.  It's really not outside of my realm of possibility.

Up until that moment, my youngest son Joey had never seen anyone this large.  He immediately started to talk.  I immediately started shushing him.

Joey:  Mommy...see dat wady (lady)...


Joey:  Mommy...dat wady is....

Me:  STOP talking, Joseph.

Joey:  Mommy...dat wady is willy willy (really really).....

Me:  Joseph! Say another word and you're in TIME OUT.

Joey:  But Mommy...see her.  Wite (right) THERE!

I finally got the kid to be quiet as we ate our amazingly awesome giant pizza puff.  The policeman nodded his head in agreement as we "mmmm'ed" our way through dinner.

Unfortunately, this is where Joey saw an opportunity to finally make his point.  He started up about the "wady" just as I shoved a giant-sized bite of puff into my mouth.  It all happened in slow motion.





Willy (really)

Willy (really)

(right at this point I started choking on my food trying to stop him)


Oh dear God.  Thank you.  The woman turned and smiled at us.  I took a sip of water in order to alleviate my spastic coughing.

Despite my near-death choking experience, I got to say.  It was so worth the food

Random shot of Joey since I didn't bring my camera.
And it's now time for Joey to endure the old "everybody looks different, so please let's not point it out in a public establishment, shall we?" speech.

I suppose my inspiration for this lecture comes mostly from the fact that the woman really could be me one day.  I'm talking awesome pizza puff here - 700 pounds or not, the lady had great taste.


  1. Marianne,

    Hilarious post as usual!

    The lady could not be you someday. However, the lady could totally EAT you someday. Something to think about.

    When my older son was 3, we were at the Post Office and an obese woman was behind us in line. My son kept staring at her and I was bracing for him to make an inappropriate remark. When it was our turn, I lifted my son up and set him on the counter and then he looked at the obese woman and hugged me tight and announced to everyone, "This here" (meaning me), "is MY mommy!" Whew--dodged a bullet.


  2. MOV - Thanks! Living where we do, we have every possible variety of human being. I usually start on the "some men do in fact wear dresses" speech well before age 4. Your post office story reminds me that so often where we think the kids are going is very different from where they end up.

    Skwishee - you and me both. I like the way the kid sees people. He must view me as SuperGirl!

  3. Bullet dodged! Last week Natalie asked (very loudly) Why does that lady have a dot on her head?

  4. Oh Lordy, Ali - looking forward to reading about how you handled that one!

  5. Honey Nut Cheerios are my favorite. I just told my wife about four days ago that I wanted to start eating Cheerios at least four times a week. I think if I stay at that level it will be the right balance so that I will continue eating them without getting tired of them.

  6. esbboston- good for you! My husband started eating cereal 2-3 times a week for breakfast last year and his bloodwork has improved significantly. Keep it up! Honey Nut Cheerios is delish.

  7. We were at church a few years ago and Katie was actually listening to what was going on. In the reading they mentioned the often used, "drink my blood" and Katie turned to one of her sisters and yelled in her "quiet" preschooler voice, "THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT VAMPIRES!!!!!" Made me chuckle.

  8. When Seannie was a toddler, he pointed out a person with a very large afro in line at County Fair. That's when our "conversation" began. I am loving all your writing, Marianne!

  9. Sara S. - Vampires, Jesus...not too far apart, right?

    No Way - Thanks! Kids saying inappropriate things are my favorite - pls. save a few to tell me at the bus stop!