Wednesday, October 19, 2011

A Very Vicodin Voice

I threw my back out putting away a shirt.  One shirt. Not a sweater.  Not a coat.  One of Joe's stupid Budweiser t-shirts. So now I'm on Vicodin.  I have completely lost the ability to write coherently.  Or operate heavy machinery.  Or locate my car keys.

Help me out here, loyal reader.  What is the universe trying to tell me?  Ease up on the Budweiser? Laundry sucks?  Time to spend a day stoned and sitting on a heating pad?  

You will now be directed to today's Chicago Parent where I wrote something before I became incapacitated.  I thought about crafting a lengthy blog on the under-rated genius of Nutella, but that would only be the pain-killers talking.  I'm on my 2nd jar.  Costco sells them in 2-packs.  Right around the corner from all their weight-loss products.  Coincidence?

The biggest reason I could never become a Vicodin addict is all the itching.  I nearly scratched my eyes out last night.  When I was given pain-killers after my c-sections, I rubbed my nose damn near off my face, and it was days before doctors finally threw me some Benadryl.

Back to Chicago Parent.  If I'm remembering this correctly, I believe I wrote something about homework and my withdrawal of parental involvement.  Too much fighting.  The skirmishes were getting intense.  Daniel was starting to embrace incorrect answers just to watch my head explode.

Oh, wait.  Maybe that's the reason for this swift karmic justice.  Impatient mom = crippling punishment from God. 

Got it.  Thanks, Universe.  You suck.

This is called irony.  I actually took my Vicodin with water, but don't think this option didn't cross my mind.


  1. Oh man lady, we are kindred spirits indeed. My back's been bothering me since I had the baby. Today I stood up, lifted him from the crib and promptly came very close to falling over. I did manage to get him onto the bed before I fell and had to crawl to the bathroom. I'm off to the doctor in a few short hours where I hope he won't be shy with the pain medication because I can't crawl everywhere, I have a 3 month old. This would be a fine time for Joshua to learn to crawl actually, then we could just do it together.

    Anyway, feel better, and I totally condone Vicodin-high-posts. They're always a riot. Also, a cold washcloth should help *some* with the itching. Good luck, Mamafriend!

  2. Thank you and I hope your back is doing better as well. I used to hate when my back acted up with the babies - so much lifting is mandatory. I'm heading upstairs to get a washcloth and heating pad right now! Pain meds rule. Hang in there!

  3. I did something weird to my back the other day turning off the alarm clock. THE ALARM CLOCK! I wasn't even lifting anything. Now I can't turn my head to the right and it feels like someone is trying to break my ribs if I breathe deeply.

    I could take some itching. But I don't have any painkillers (or time to go to the doctor). Maybe I should just get my husband to pick up some beer.

    Hope you feel better soon!

  4. Marianne, back pain makes childbirth look like a fun little day at the spa. So sorry for you! Use it as a good excuse to have your husband bring you stacks of trashy magazines (think "Us" and "People") as well as make dinner, give you back rubs, stacks of chocolate, and more drugs (not necessarily in that order). Feel better!!

  5. I rubbed my nose off when I had percocet after childbirth! And then to top it all off, I have a pesky needy 3 day old who only wanted me to pay attention to HER. I think you may need to put away husband's classy beer shirts more often.

  6. I hope you feel better soon! My husband hurt his back taking a poop one time. No shit. :(

    And I am actually more disturbed by the Ritz crackers than the beer. The beer makes sense. The crackers???

  7. Skwishee - Beer helps. Beer & painkillers = even better. Hope you feel better!

    MOV - Thank you. Pie helps too. My husband encouraged me to take the kids to Baker's Square the other night instead of cooking (like I cook?). I think he just wanted to make sure I wasn't going to cancel bowling on him, but hey...pie's good.

    Mary - whatever it takes to get me some "legal" drugs! Although, I do miss my nose. ):

    Kelly - it said not to take on an empty stomach. That means "eat a cracker," right? No? I should have opted for a burrito, right?

  8. New to your Blog - came over from MOV's blog. I just have to say I LOVE VICODIN - I know scary stuff. Its like Ecstasy to me! Not that I ever tried Ecstasy - it just makes me feel all warm and fuzzy and I LOOOVE everyone. I try not to take it very often - it ruins my credibility as the crotchety old lady I am working hard to become. Hope your back gets better!

  9. Jennie - Welcome & now you've got me wondering about this whole Ecstasy movement I missed out on. Crochety old ladies rule.