Monday, September 12, 2011

Sex & the City for the Target Crowd

It had been a long week. The school stuff. The bus stuff. The 10-year anniversary. So I did the only thing I could think of when Joe headed off to the firehouse Sunday morning:  I got a sitter and called the girls:  Atheist-Friend and BFF (I'm still working on a better blog moniker for her).

It was time for breather.  Or a bender.  I wasn't picky.

We decided on Champp's sports bar because (1) Atheist-Friend likes the salads there, (2) I like the Bears, and (3) BFF likes a good Long Island Iced Tea.   A few beers and a 4-shot of Ibuprofen to kill my migraine did just the trick to ready me for our day ahead.

After lunch, we hit a litany of stores.  Perhaps there are husbands out there who believe these shopping excursions are completely selfish in nature and designed to feed an insatiable desire for over-priced shoes.  I am going to blow the lid off that stereotype right now.  If anyone is interested in the truth behind the non-glamorous purchases middle-aged women make, keep reading:

  • "House shorts" (Atheist-Friend told us she needed a pair for cleaning the house.  We couldn't quite figure out what she was talking about until she showed us a pair. Apparently, they are just soft, comfy shorts that are way too inappropriate for a 40 year-old woman to wear in public.  So they are relegated to in-house use only, hence the name). 
  • Squash for some very odd macaroni and cheese recipe that Atheist-Friend found
  • A pack of Cottenelle wipes
  • A vat of pretzel pub mix for hubby
  • Clothes for daughter

  • A book on the mortuary arts
  • A pack of Swedish Fish (that I ate most of)

  • House Shorts (because now I was just curious)
  • Jeans for Danny
  • The Jaycee Duggar biography
  • A new back-up hair dryer (the old back-up is out of play because our current hair dryer fizzled out today)
  • Rice Krispie Treats for the kids' lunches

My new "House Shorts."  Currently on clearance at Target for $9.
Atheist-Friend insisted on a final stop to Costco, or as BFF outlined, "the only place where you can buy tires for your car and a year supply of tampons."   As we pulled into the lot, we started to worry about only one of us having a current membership, and how we could pass ourselves off as a family:

"Lesbian Love Triangle?" I suggested.

"No.  Sister Wives," countered BFF.

Atheist-Friend just rolled her eyes and begged us to just wait in the car.  Not when there were bulk fruit snacks to purchase!

As the day wound down, Atheist-Friend helped carry some items into my house and the sitter advised I was out of milk.  Apparently, she had to borrow some from her Grandma's house down the street when she made the Macoroni & Cheese.  I told her to go ahead and use the coffee creamer if ever such a disaster occured again.  

"You have hazlenut cream, dummy," reminded Atheist-Friend.

"All the better," I responded.

Atheist-Friend drove my babysitter home and called a few minutes later to let me know she had dropped a gallon of milk off on my doorstep. 
I have given her a lot of shit  over the years for not being much of an emoter.  She tells me that emoters are a dime a dozen.  She's right.  People who are actually willing to walk the walk are few and far between.

I am so lucky to have friends who let me eat most of their Swedish Fish and friends who deposit milk on my front door like stealth cow bombers.

Sister Wives indeed.  


  1. I like your friends. :) And house shorts. I think I'm going to have to hop on that bandwagon.
    (A book on mortuary arts??)

  2. I can't believe you went to Champps.

  3. Skwishee - I'm wearing my house shorts as I comfy! My BFF feels she wasted her talents by going into social work and still harkens to her dream job: prepping dead people. I don't try to understand.

    Mary - I'm sorry! It was all the skinny blond!