Thursday, August 4, 2011

Shark Week + Mob Week = Hell Week

I gave up on ever having a say in our family's television viewing habits a long time ago. The remote control is like the Holy Grail to me: powerful and always a bit beyond my grasp. Despite this predicament, I am occasionally able to sneak in an episode of What Not to Wear or I Didn't Know I was Pregnant.  You know.  Quality television.

Yet I understood my chances of catching a glimpse of Stacy or Clinton were miniscule this week. The moment I walked in our bedroom and found Joe excitedly flipping back and forth between The Godfather and, to quote my husband, a program about sharks eating sh*t, I knew I was out of luck. Shark Week and Mob Week.  Together.  At the same time. Because television executives hate women.

It was like my husband had died and gone to a very very violent heaven.

Buying shark photography is expensive.

With Scarface, Donnie Brasco, and Goodfellas on the docket for AMC and dozens of shows about "sharks eating sh*t" on Discovery Channel, I felt certain this was not the business I had chosen.  While we were still dating, Joe played along as though I would actually get to pick a program now and then.  That pipe dream went out the window with all my former size 8 business suits.

I often have difficulty sleeping.  That, coupled with the sounds of gunfights and shark attacks each night, has lead to some poor decision-making this week.  Decisions that may well effect the entire world.  Just as a butterfly that flaps its wings in China can cause a hurricane in Mexico, an over-tired Marianne is capable of starting her own ripple effect:
  • Staunch refusal to do laundry = Decrease in Tide usage = Global economy diminished
  • No laundered uniforms = Inability to take the boys to soccer = Forfeited game due to insufficient players = Angry 7 year olds who grow up and write computer viruses to get even with "the man"
  • Irrational arguing with husband = Cranky husband who swears = Nothing too unusual there
You get the point.

I told my husband that after Shark Week and Mob Week are over, he will have had enough television to float his boat for the remainder of the year.  It is my turn: Half Ton Mom.  My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding.  Toddlers and Tiaras.  Weird I come!

Joe's response?

I think I'm gonna need a bigger boat.


  1. When I happen to catch My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding (which I can't help but love for some reason) or, say, a Hoarders marathon, my husband tends to turn to video games for solace.

  2. Turn off the main switch in the basement for electricity. It should kill off all the sharks, mobsters, and cold beer. Then drive here. I'll have a cold margarita waiting with your initials on it.

  3. Skwishee - wow - you have an amazing husband. Hang on to him. If Joe is home, the remote is his.

    Anonymous - I'll be there at 4 pm.

  4. husband and I take turns with the remote. I think it is because he secretly wants to watch Project Runway, Top Chef and my new favorite obsession, The Glee Project! When it is his turn to pick, I usually fall asleep on the couch while he is watching his boring History or Military Channels.

  5. Take turns with the remote! This is marriage not kindergarten. Everyone must be armed with their own set because divorce is expense and then who will kill the big bugs???

  6. Rada - I think actually liked America's Top Model back in the day, though I doubt he'd ever admit to it. You guys have it figured out.

    Anonymous - Danny?