Saturday, May 7, 2011

Missing Filter: $10,000 Reward for Information Leading to Its Return

My verbal I miss it so.  I used to have a great one - it caught everything.  It worked so well, why I hardly spoke at all.  Most of my elementary school report cards read:

Marianne is a lovely girl.  She is quiet and obedient.  In fact, I don't recall a single instance where she opened her mouth this year.  Keep up the good work.  Signed, Mrs. Beatty

I felt very removed during my quiet years.  I didn't understand why some kids didn't do their homework.  It baffled me why others would throw things in class.  And the gum knew the teacher was just going to make you spit it out, what was the point?  So I kept mum, perpetually confused by a loud and disobedient world. 

And then I got to 7th grade where I made friends with a very outgoing and popular girl.  She was blond, bubbly, and seemed to have a lot of fun.  My inner sociologist urged me to study her.  What was it about my friend that people were attracted to?  I made a checklist:

  • Keep things light
  • Laugh
  • Be willing to bend the rules
  • Let people copy off your tests
  • Let things go
My nerdy, hold-a-grudge, keep-to-the-rules misanthrope had to leave.  So I vanquished her to my memories and rolled out a new, improved Marianne who was lively and fun.  But during the course of events, the old Marianne took off with my verbal filter.

Which leads me to now.  Living in a very tight-knit community of city workers where everybody either knows everyone else or is related to them, I have found myself saying things that clearly should have been run through the long-lost filter:

"Your son is so pretty, he could pass for a girl."

"I love your home - it has so much potential."

"Catholic priests sometimes give me the creeps, Father." 

Now this all wouldn't be too terrible if it was just impacting me, but I am certain that my verbal diarrhea will one day be the source of great embarrassment for my sons.  So that is why I am looking for my missing filter.  If anyone sees a very tall 13-year old girl with bad posture who doesn't talk, please tackle her.  I really need that back.  And soon.


  1. I lost my verbal filter in my late 20's, this made me very popular around the copier at work. It's also the reason I believe I will have a difficult time keeping a serious job ever again. Here's to volunteering, where they are not quite so picky.

  2. I think that REWARD should be alot more!!! Maybe a healthy six figures!