I waited to tell you guys about this.
Please do not tell my co-author, MOV, what I did. She will kill me.
So you know how my sister and I appeared in The Wall Street Journal, right? It was a piece about sibling rivalry. Megan and I good-naturedly discussed some of the stupid and petty stuff we had carried through into adulthood. Nothing terribly scandalous.
Then we were almost booked on CNN with Anderson "I Have No Pores" Cooper! Of course we were ultimately bumped for whatever "real" stories they had that week like the economy and political unrest. Whatever. I will not forget, Anderson. I shall never forget.
But finally came the creme de la creme, yours truly scored a write-up in The Beverly Review.
This was all good material in trying to create some buzz and name-recognition for our forthcoming book. There really was no such thing as "bad publicity," right?
But then my sister got this note:
My name is Conan Ryan, I work for Venertainment Inc. Casting.
In doing some research for an upcoming documentary, I came across your recent article in the Wall Street Journal written by Elizabeth Bernstein. I was very intrigued by some of the stories you shared about the ongoing rivalry between you and your sister. We would very much like to discuss the possibility of including you and your sister on the show. Please contact me directly at either xxx-xxx.xxx if you would like more details.
Megan suggested we could serve as the "normal" sisters for the documentary. How we would pull that off was beyond me.
The full blurb for their casting call:
NOW CASTING SIBLINGS FOR NEW DOCUMENTARY!
Are you and your sibling still fighting like you’re teenagers?
Are you completely functional and buttoned up when it comes to your life and job, but totally lose it when it comes to your sibling?
Now casting nationwide for siblings who are 18 and over for a new documentary. If you and your sibling are still at each other’s throats and unable to get along whether you’ve moved away from home or still live together, then we want to hear from you!
We want to give siblings the chance to tell the story of their relationship, and the hurdles their rivalry has forced them to deal with. We will have a licensed therapist on site to facilitate the entire process, with hopes of resolving the conflict and transforming the relationship. If this describes your relationship with your sibling or a set of siblings you know, please email a photo and a brief description of your family’s situation to:
Be sure to include your name, contact information, the city you live in, photo of both siblings, and a family photo.
Was this for Springer? Maury?
And why did they want pictures? Did they want pretty people? Ugly people?
And the fact that there would be "licensed therapists" on hand pretty much convinced me that I didn't need the humiliation of sobbing into a camera:
My sister always had all this long, beautiful hair, but my mom always cut mine short! I looked like a little boy! WHAAAAAA. Why, God, WHY????
Nope. We passed.
And when MOV finds out that I could have brought a whole new level of recognition and notoriety to our book, I'm dead.
But I've got pride. And even if I don't, I know for a fact that the bus stop ladies would NEVER let me live this down.