Friday, November 7, 2014

Week 23: The Contest - Hefty

In case you missed it, I sort of gave myself a bye week recently for The Contest.

I got distracted by all the Halloween candy.

No matter!  I'm back and with short days and seasonal depression, I went to the dark side, all in the name of good fun.

I kill me sometimes.


Dear Hefty,

I am not sure if you are aware, but your black Hefty garbage bags are getting a bum rap. In recent years, every time Dexter disposed of a body on HBO or police carried evidence from a crime scene on the nightly news, there were your bags. It was as though the world was trying to paint you as some sort of evil co-conspirator. This is grossly unfair to you and the great product you provide.

Hefty is so much more than simply the bag of choice for serial killers hiding the bodies. As a mom, I have found your garbage bags invaluable. I can stash a year’s worth of outgrown clothes into a single bag for Goodwill. All autumn leaves from our solitary tree fit comfortably into one bag as well. Hefty bags are practically miraculous in their ability to store infinite amounts of items without running out of room.

It is almost as though Jesus made them.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I don’t think ill of your glorious black bags even when so many want to criminalize your awesomeness. You have been there for me for countless moves, garbage disposal, and tarp usage. It is my duty to be there for you as well.


Marianne Walsh


Well, I thought I was funny.

But I'm thinking Hefty may be holding a grudge as there has been no response as of yet, leaving my current score at 68.

To check out the competition, visit Andrea!


  1. Hefty can take it, cuz they make it tough enough to mind is bursting with old commercial jingles. I cannot think of a more productive use of the space....eeeek!!!

  2. Actually this would be a funny skit for SNL....they could end it with, "what's in your bag"

    Your favorite security guard

  3. LOSERS! That's one of the funniest letters to date, and they IGNORE YOU?????? WTH????


  4. HOW did Hefty not respond???????? That was a hilarious letter. I think you should put all your letters in a book: "Letters to Real Companies from a Deranged Mom". I would totally buy it.