Sunday, April 27, 2014

Defending the Mother-in-Law

The following appears in the May edition of Chicago Parent magazine.  My thoughts were inspired by the trivial, en vogue mother-in-law bashing I have witnessed, and not the real "my mother-in-law is abusive/in jail/eats babies" cases that also occur. 

Over the last ten years, I have noticed all kinds of parenting trends.  Baby-wearing.  Organic everything.  Attachment parenting.  Gender-neutral toys and clothes.
As a mom who believes strongly in raise-and-let-raise, I try hard not to question other people’s philosophies and techniques.  If parents want to breast-feed their kids until they go off to college, I refuse to be the villager at the gate carrying a pitchfork and crying foul. 
But lately, I have noticed a powerful new movement that has drawn my ire to the point where I need to say something. 
Mother-in-law bashing.
I’ve witnessed groups of moms gather at parks and coffee houses for the sole purpose of criticizing their mothers-in-law.   It is a cruel game of one-uppance, “You think your mother-in-law is bad? You have no idea!”  The infractions are usually minor.  She doesn’t stick to the posted schedule.  She gave the baby a non-organic banana once.  She kept the kids up an hour past their bedtime to watch TELEVISION.
Holy shite.

Has humanity truly forgotten what being a grandmother is about?
The generation of moms before us did not have the internet to scour when the baby got croup.  They relied heavily on the wisdom of family, including their mothers-in-law.  If Grandma didn’t toe the line exactly, it was quickly overlooked and forgotten. 

I may be more sensitive (or perhaps insensitive) to the subject because I do not have a mother-in-law.  I never did.  Joe’s mom passed away from breast cancer at 55.    
Yet in life, there are only a few people who will love your children beyond reason.  They can usually be counted on one hand and include grandparents.  Who will be delighted to receive a phone call when your baby starts walking?  Who will beam with pride at your child’s first basketball game?  Who can be called to show up at three am to watch your other kids when the baby needs to go to the ER?

There is not a day that goes by that Joe wouldn’t like to call his mom and share a funny story about our boys.  I miss the love she would have had for them.  Would she have criticized my cooking skills, mocked my over-scheduling, or given the kids chocolate cake before bed?  I will never know.   

But I would gladly take it all if she could have met my sons just once.  To see the same love I feel reflected in someone else’s eyes?  That connection is forever. 
This Mother’s Day, I continue to be grateful for my own wonderful mom who, unfortunately, still gets those three am emergency calls.  But I will also be grateful to my mother-in-law.  She delivered me the love of my life.  She raised her son to be a loyal husband and loving father.  He is my everything.
No organic banana can ever hold a candle to that.

14 comments:

  1. This is such an endearing tribute to your mother-in-law who doesn't get to share with the raising of your sons. Yes, she did leave you a great husband.

    Happy Mother's Day to you, Marianne, and your mom.

    Hugs,
    Carol

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    1. Thank you, Carol. And best wishes to you!! xoxo mar

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  2. Plus gramma's always have tissues and dammit I need one now, and a piece of candy....love!

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  3. It is sad that people do get together and bash their MIL's. While I didn't particularly care for my in-laws, they were people who did the best they could with what they had to work with and I tried hard not to speak ill of them. Unfortunately, my MIL made a carelessly tacky remark against my mom one time, that I don't think she even realized she had said and probably wasn't her intent to say it, but after that day I kind of shut her out of my life, which is sad, because I never told hubby about it until 10 years later, who wasn't surprised his mom said what she said, but understood why I might choose to act the way I did. It wasn't my finest moment or years and came back to haunt me years later with the bitterness I allowed to build up as a result of it which impacted so much of our marriage and last 3 years in the situation we're in. If I ever get to be a MIL, I've learned a valuable lesson that I don't want to repeat.

    I am sorry your MIL wasn't able to meet the wonderful you and see the beautiful (handsome) sons you and Joe are raising, I am sure she would have been very proud!

    betty

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    1. Betty - I guess one of the reasons I wrote this is because I will (hopefully) be a mother-in-law one day and I want my sons' partners to remember that I put in a lot of work to produce the men they love (so cut me a bit of slack). Like you MIL, I am 100% capable of saying stupid things not intended to harm, though I may do it accidentally. Age and wisdom usually wash away a lot of bitterness, and I am glad they helped you, too. Thank you for reading & commenting!

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  4. Thanks, Mar! I needed a good cry. One thing I know- she would have loved you dearly. :)

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    1. Thanks, Tina! I hope so. She was a very quiet, dignified woman and I am a bit of a nut. But I hear she had a sense of humor!

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  5. I don't have a mother-in-law either...she passed away less than a year after Phil and I got married. But I'm forever grateful for the time we had with her and that my kids got to know her. My first MIL is still with us and was/is a wonderful grandmother to my kids. I don't see her much anymore, but she still keeps close with my kids, which I will always appreciate.

    -andi

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    1. Anyone who truly loves your kids is a gift. Unless they're selling them crack. Glad they still have a gramma who dotes on them!

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  6. How many calories did Joe have on the trip to Texas?

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  7. I really enjoy reading your blog, and think you are a very creative writer.

    Unfortunately I cannot take this post seriously whatsoever, considering you say you never had a mother in law. This reminds me of taking parenting advice from the childless, it just doesn't make sense.

    Glad you have a wonderful husband. But please don't think for one second you can relate to all the bad mother in law stories. Be grateful you are not in those poor women's shoes! How do I know this? Simple: I have a very mean mother in law.

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    1. Thank you for your comments & reading the blog. I did offer a caveat at the beginning of this post that my writing was inspired by mother-in-law bashing over trivial matters, and not true abusive relationships. But I am sorry for all those who are saddled with evil MIL's and not just ones who keep the kids up a few minutes late.

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